A message to my inner child
Image Credit: Bella Waru
To my beautiful Indigenous, queer, joyous, visionary inner child,
And to all of me.
I’m writing to you (us); an eternally curious, sometimes confused, sometimes grounded, usually concerned, intentionally optimistic, constantly trying, often failing though prevailing rangatira in a system that has given us both too much and too little. I feel immense pressure to do everything I can about it – I know my responsibilities, privileges, liberties and potential. My urgency is not misplaced; it’s just overwhelming.
I feel gratitude for the guidance I receive, for all who have carved out and cleared this path before me. Often I feel we’re missing part of the blueprint as if someone just had to say XYZ, and we could have skipped much of the slow & confusing journey towards understanding. I know there are roadmaps for this journey that lead towards mana motuhake and freedom, but few were passed on to us. Definitely not in school or the situations they would have traditionally been given to us. Each day is a hunt for the truth of ancestors and elders who wrote down the blueprints, stories and knowledge. Ancestors who hid messages in their weaving, waiata, and names in our bodies and our whenua.
These are my reflections thus far – a blueprint for myself, my little brothers and cousins, our nieces, nephews, future tamariki and mokopuna to share with all of our loved and loving children – those among us and those within us. Let me begin.
My child, I’m sorry for losing you.
I can’t remember exactly when or how I lost you. But I know I lost you. Accumulated individual steps that led to our eventual separation. I know I lost you, which was the first, largest and most significant betrayal. Now that we’re here, face to face, I choose to affirm your presence and your blessings with all the lessons I had to learn on my journey back to you.
This is what I see now. This is what led me home - to you.
Child, you are so much. So much that this world we live in may not know how to meet you with the mana, respect, honesty and care that you deserve. You are a reminder of life, love, joy and hope, so much so that you may be feared for just how bright you are. You may even be taught to fear yourself as they do. Taught that you are somehow both too much and not enough. They will suggest you search every place outside of yourself for the answers and antidotes; this is an attempt to keep you distracted from the truth. You have always been and will always be the embodied knowledge, beauty and wholeness. Everything you need is already with you. Check your pockets, memories, intuition, midnight drawings, poetry, and eyes.
Wise child, learn to hear, decipher and fulfil your voice, needs and desires. You were shown that the way to live is to disobey your directions. Self-rejection is impressed upon you as a way of life, passed down heirlooms of self-deprivation, self-sabotage and deep silence. But you always knew joy from the inside out, laughter & pleasure like the inside of your mouth, and your hands on your skin. You always knew the way, so feed this inner knowing. Advocate for yourself, play and cushion your heart with laughter. That sound, your glow, will radiate into the hurting parts of your community and help us all to heal.
Help us to remember.
Tend to your desires, your inner fires, the things that make you overflow with love, gratitude, and warmth. Intimacy so rich, nourishing and abundant that you don’t have to empty your cup to give to those around you.
Phenomenal child, feed your creativity. Be curious about life! You will need your innovation and curiosity to discover holistic, supportive and sustainable ways of being, ways of relating and loving, and ways of seeking justice and accountability. You will need your curiosity when you realise what they told you is the way is just one way, sometimes a shitty, unfulfilling, unhelpful way. There is a wealth of knowledge in your experience and a wealth of knowledge beyond it. I believe in our responsibility to expand into ourselves each day.
To choose growth.
Because the day we choose to stop growing is the day we choose to start wilting. The day we choose to stop moving is the day of our death. Wouldn’t you rather truly live than just survive?
Brave child - Surrender your fears and insecurities. You are so much more than those things, know this in your heart, and no binding can hold you. Take responsibility for your mistakes, mend your injuries when you stumble but don’t let them stop you from trying again.
Be okay with being wrong, not knowing and be ready to rebuild when necessary. Like the cycles of moons, suns and seasons - you will go through life the same. The practice of shedding and reforming is a knowledge of its own and will always be necessary. It’s in your blood and your whakapapa to understand these processes.
A child born to the birthright of a village. Find the people around you who mirror the parts of yourself that you desire to nurture. The people who will see and accept you in your wholeness, hurt, joy, power and pain. When you get lost, come into our arms. We will hold you.
Beautiful child, healing is an investment in yourself and everyone around you. Please, please give yourself the chance to Heal. To breathe, rest and tend to the poisoned, rejected, traumatised parts of yourself. Left unattended, they will stand between you and the liberation you deserve, that your people and community deserve. What is unhealed in you will poison the rivers you flow with until you are brave enough to address it. You don’t want to hurt the ones you love. You don’t want to betray your trust. Allow your healing to become your legacy.
Tender Child. Understand that love and pain are often spoken in the same breath for colonised and traumatised people. Don’t let anyone convince you that their wounds are a type of love. Choose to practice a new way.
Growing child, love will take new forms with every day you heal. The familiar or known may not be the most ideal. The uncomfortable, challenging and foreign thing might be much more nourishing for you. Have patience as you learn to find solace in being your own ally and choose what is of service to you. This is the creation of the new normal.
Child descendant of strength – Don’t be afraid of your voice, fire, rage, intelligence, or inquisitive mind. Know that you are precisely the right amount of you. Speak. Yell. Question. Cry. Learn to wield your voice – sharpen it.
Child. Rest.
And when you have finished, rest.
Clever child. Decide for yourself what feels right. Decide who you are, what you believe in and where you’re going. Gather the stories and transmute what doesn’t belong – this story included.
Sometimes an incredibly quiet child, don’t be discouraged by your softer moments. You will spend a lot of time in the presence of phenomenal souls with knowledge. Your comfort in silence allows you the gift of listening and truly hearing. Listening will be the groundwork for how you can respond to the needs of your community, in solidarity with others and in service to yourself. Knowing yourself will help you see what you have to offer, and seeing yourself will allow you the clarity to navigate shared spaces with integrity. What is familiar, what is different, how you are privileged in so many ways, and how this informs the role you walk. Where you fit in the spaces you enter – and your responsibilities.
Child, invest in yourself, your loves, your visions and your community. Honour and respect your old people, your ancestors by blood or by path, your kaitiaki, your guides – human, animal, spirit or otherwise. This world may not respect them as we do. They have survived so much to bring you here, protect you, clear the way for you, help you grow, and be with you. Wherever you tend the soil is where it will blossom.
Never forget who you are; never forget where you are. Remember who raised you. Acknowledge who still raises you. Nothing you have is yours alone, so share your wealth – whether material, intellectual, or energetic. Share your knowledge, share your wealth, share your creativity and joy, your discoveries and dreams.
The revolution will be generous.
Vision child, always return home – to love, joy, body and feeling, whenua, community, expression, creation. To us.
Child, you are a descendant of destruction, grief, manipulation, and oppression. You are also the descendant of earth and sky, lava and ice, love and resilience, warriors and healers, and old ways.
You are a miracle. In every moment that you choose to become yourself, to become free. You are a blessing on the names of your grandmothers, your parents' hips, your community's arms, and your ancestors' shoulders. You carry the knowledge and memory of many in this body. So, honour it as you would your ancestors. You are your strongest antidote, your most lethal weapon and the only cure.
Dear child,
Thank you.
Thank you for inspiring me in life every day.
Your resilience is empowering. Your patience is centring. Your joy is healing.
Your love is the kind that means I will never feel alone.
I stand by you.
I love you.
I am so proud of you.
And child, every day I choose to love you, I choose to do all in my power to set you free.
Just know that when you need me,
I am here.
